The sin is stored in the 5G receiver
As a teen, I downloaded a bible app and told my mom I was reading it so she’d let me use my phone in church. I was actually reading smutty gay Supernatural fanfiction.
Took her two full services to catch on lol.
wincest or destiel?
What if I’m using it to ask my AI priest about acceptable fluids to baptize children in?
Maybe Jesus would have commanded John the Baptist to baptise him in Gatorade if Gatorade had existed. Then again, could the Son of God not have turned the water into Gatorade if he so desired? Then again, being baptised in Gatorade is not expressly prohibited.
Wait, maybe Jesus would be more of a Powerade guy. Did I just commit heresy?
I has what original sin craves.
Brought to you by God’s Jr.
It’s got electrolytes!
Acolytes*
Is Powerade okay?
Should be fine, but I’m out of tokens so you’ll have to wait until tomorrow if you don’t want to risk condemning your baby to an eternity in hell because you used the wrong sports drink.
Do you want schisms? 'Cause that’s how you get schisms!
I mean, was the gatorade made of holy water?
How else would they baptize in Florida?
I wonder what “Father Justin” was demoted to… Creepy Uncle Justin? Altar
BoyMan Justin? Baptismal Font Justin?
Fuck this wave, it’s a SIN!
Ace of Base saw it
And it opened up their eyes
deleted by creator
I used to draw all over the donation envelops to pass the time. The church would probably rather me do something with a phone
Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?
Tap for spoiler
They don’t want competition from an invisible power that actually does things.
Ok but why is your church in the conference room of a Holiday Inn?
A lot of Mormon churches look like that
I dont know if its the holiday inn, but its definitely in Texas based on the doublewide chairs
For our more ample guests.
People have the Bible on their phones? Like, this is a pretty common thing. Also note-taking apps.
Ok who wants church stories because I got some?
If I had a nickel for every time a family from the church leadership who “got called to minister in a different city” after rumors of sexual assault started spreading around town, I would have 2 nickles. Which is not a lot but its weird that it happened twice…
I’m listening…
Yay! I love to nag about this every once in a while (gotta take out the luggage sometimes)
“Friend” at church and me are discussing metal music quite often.
I was pretty upfront about that I found most christian metal bands quite lackluster as music. You can clearly tell most of these bands are about the message, not music for the sake of music. He once responded with: “at least it’s not about doing drugs all the time like all those other bands do.”
I pointed out “what are you even talking about? The few songs from metallica? Master of puppets and harvester of sorrow? Most metal is about societal issues, war, evil, fantasy, …where did you get this idea?”
=> crickets.
This same guy refused to listen to dream theater because it had the word dream in it. But was very ok watching lotr.
This same guy, thought it was a good idea to jump through a few hoops in order to send Tim Lambesis an encouraging message when he got into jail (singer of an xtian metal band, who then plotted to have his wife murdered).
Anyway enough about that particular one.
(Warning: very uncomfortable material up ahead)
I’m minding my own busines walking down the street. When all of a sudden some couple walks up to me. “I spoke to your pastor, you must come do our worship at our church”. I was still totally brainwashed and didn’t have too much backbone back then so one thing led to another I’m playing guitar at yet another church. Which…oh boy.
Pastor: today we’re praying for our sister (pregnant lady walks up). There are satanists who praying to kill her child. (Just says it without any proof, as one does) today we will pray that these satanists will drop dead by the end of this prayer.
Same pastor tried to introduce me to his daughter with sort of a “ain’t she pretty?”-vibe which reaaaaaally gave me the creeps. The age diffirence between me and her was beyond innapropriate to even entertain such conversation. Let alone doing the whole “here’s my kid, say hi” thing, wtf man!? I walked out of that church having decided it was the last time. That same pastor would keep calling me a few times months after inviting me to worship. Fucking boundaries man.
Here’s a few more stories:
https://leminal.space/post/30282765
I’ll end with this: once I managed to unbrainwash myself (with lots of patience from my parents and friends) it didn’t take long for me to meet my wife. I’ve done a lot of healing since then and life is A LOT better. I feel like I escaped imprissonment.
If you know someone in there, who you feel wants to escape but doesn’t have the tools or is afraid to (cults are an emotional hostage situation most of the time). Carefully engage and show them pieces of your life. So they can see that there is healing and peace in the mundane and non spiritual.
Edit addendum: or spiritual other than a controlling cult of course.
Thanks for listening!!!
they must be in church at the moment
Eu time, I was sleeping. Also very glad church is far in the past for me.
Michelle is judging (Matthew 7:1-5). She doesn’t know if 📱holder is reading the bible, or setting up a ministry.
“Hey ChatGPT, I don’t like my current ministry, let’s create a new one. It needs to be low effort but also financially beneficial for me.”
Ministry here meaning evangelical pursuits, but sure, that works too🤣
The Church of ScientAilogy
Not to mention, Jesus wasn’t too much of a fan of hypocrites.
Wait, how are those Reddit usernames possible? Is the “screenshot” doctored?
That’s not church, that’s a corporate seminar
What’s the difference these days?
This reminded me of a time (at the Peak of ISIS’s Bullshit) when someone came into a Mosque to Pray and had the cops called on him because he A) Had never been to this Mosque before and B) was reading the Quran on his phone and the Imam was worried he might be a terrorist.
Moral licensing, in one photo.
Weg met je reddit, vriend.
