As a very real Republican, I’m perfectly fine with this. I can see how I must now pick my least not-favorite liberal in order to protect this democracy that I constantly claim to support. I believe laws apply equally.

Bully for us!

I’m guessing 7. No, wait! 6!

Actually, 7. Final answer.

As a citizen of San Antonio, I’d like to extend the warmest welcome to our friends in the Mexican helicopters.

I was gonna say that he probably mouths all the words while typing and with a lot of tongue action. Like a child trying to get their crayon starting just so.

Oh geez, ow my humps! My lovely lady lumps! Getting old is hard.

I’d like to order a big Mac, but I’m scared. Calm me by playing every Beethoven concierto so that I can order food.

Definitely a joke, but not without foundation

I keep my dogs on-leash because they think that stink animals and spike pigs are friends.

I’m glad you enjoyed it. I hoped that my jokes would land, but was worried that I wrecked 'em.

Yeah, it’s sarcasm. Hence the “off-leash bear” and that a bear outpacing you would cause emotional damage. But it seems I did a pretty shitty job of making a joke.

I seriously thought that my part about an “off-leash bear” would be indicator enough that my comment was sarcasm, but obviously not. I think I buried it too deep in too long of a joke.

This is why I get so upset about people who keep their pets off-leash in public. “BuT it’S DanGeroUs tO ride a biKe With A doG on Its LeAD.” Yeah, but what about when your off-leash dog encounters someone’s off-leash bear and it outpaces you on a mountain bike. Now you’re gonna go home and question if you’re a shitty bicyclist, and those are the scars that’ll never heal.

Honey mustard unreliability

I appreciate that

Probably just some poor plan
ning.

I used it to write code in my latest release, and it totally tainted the database. I should have been more anal in my MR. At least we’re able to keep everything open and free. In other news, the foundation finally sacked up, and hired a new CEO; they’re from Blackstone, and we foresee some really big changes in our stream. In fact, now is as good a time as any to announce that we’re seeking pubic evaluation.

it would be cool to coolaborayr more

This coolaborayion could have been an email

“And these people would come up to me, very big people. Powerful. The generals. They’d come up to me… 'SIR! No one knew what to call this, but we can finally fight the fire with firefighters after you called it a fire. We tried for years, ever since the last president… Fake president, fake election. Totally rigged. They used to call it. They tried to call it a fire, but you saw how he looked, they couldn’t even- didn’t even try to call it a fire, a flame, nothing. They said it was amazing, I was the first president ever to call it a fire. Even before I was president, even when- do you think Crooked Hillary could have called it a fire? They didn’t have that in the emails. We have all of them. Every single email, we have them, and they deleted most of it. Unrecoverable, they said. You know what that means, ‘unrecoverable?’ It’s a term they use for computer- in the computer- everything is computer. It means ‘can.not.be.recovered.cannot.be.found,’ but we have all of them, they were right there. We couldn’t find them because of the cover-up, but they were right there. It was- it was amazing. They said it was truly incredible, they could finally fight the fire after, yours truly, the greatest president of all time, was the first one to ever call it fire. We’re getting- we’re getting rea- gonna do another executive order. Put it into an executive order to call the fire a fire.”

I’ll allow it