AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.
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TBH, the Onion has to have a hard time these days trying to outdo reality, but this honestly got me for half a second.
I’d have believed it. Wouldn’t put it past him to fire everyone and then hire a handful juniors to fix it.
I think there was a period in the 2010s where they had it harder because reality was getting so absurd, but in 2024 I think the Onion has firmly crossed that valley of humorous uncertainty and confidently begun vertically scaling the mountains of “Let’s Just Take Awful Real News And Make It A Little More Plausible As A *Joke While Giving Everybody A Hug While They Are Crying From The Brutality Of Late Stage Capitalism” like a possessed, gargantuan spider of bitter sarcasm.
The fact that it wasn’t obvious that this headline was satire until I looked at the URL, really says something about Elon.
Honestly though this is one car system Tesla might be able to get close to having no team of their own.
The brakes on all their cars are designed and supplied by Brembo. Tesla certainly has some people making sure they’ll fit. But that step is only needed when a new model is being designed. Once the model launches Tesla can make a quality person (lol) work with Brembo on any revisions.
Edit - if not clear I agree with you and am wondering if The Onion is predicting the future again.
Brakes just slow you down anyway…
It’s all a conspiracy promoted by big slow to sell less fast!
Woah . . .
You jest but you just know there’s Muskrats out there that would say this without a shred of irony.
I drive a 2 stroke Honda dirt bike without a rear brake and say that unironically
I hope the front isn’t a drum brake at least
Front disk is all I need. Rear drum doesn’t work with the clusterfuck of different year parts its made from so I need $40 for a rear disk. Fuck that. I’d rather have 2 30 racks. That’s more fun for more people.
Drive fast and break things!
Heeeeeell yeah brother
Man it’s been awhile since I’ve seen a theonion post. This had me for a hot minute
They have been really busy ever since they were hired to take over writing the plot to Human Life.
You sure? Maybe you’ve been seeing them this whole time, but with news and satire being so close to each other these days and what not…
Pls don’t give him any idears
The worse part is that it’s completely possible for tesla to get rid of the brakes and rely solely on the motors for stopping, at least on the vehicles with AC motors. It would be a really stupid idea since braking effort is directly tied to the shaft speed meaning you get less brakes the slower you are moving and you wouldn’t be able to brake while fully charged but hey it’s still possible.
Depending on how a motor is designed, you can definitelly break using power by changing the cycle or reversing the direction of the current.
Though if I remember it correctly, it’s not great for an electric motor to do it.
It’s only bad for DC motors to use dynamic brakes (proper name) and even then it’s only bad for them when coming to a complete stop. Using DC motors to slow down is perfect fine. AC motors don’t suffer the same issues and can utilize dynamic brakes at any speed including to a complete stop
Just hang your foot out the door
One time, when I was very young, my mother had stopped at a gas station in my home town and there was a car at the only other pump. I couldn’t see what was going on but apparently a kid had his leg out of the door and the car pulled forward, and she apparently heard it pop. I think I was too young to have any context for what was going on but without even seeing what happened she went inside to call emergency services.
“We sell movement, not lack of it!”
Brakes are for pussies
brakes are woke and socialist and full of CRT, real Americans stick their foot out the door and shred their boots on the road to stop their car
Capitalism doesn’t need to stop, brakes are for commies
Real AmericansTM already having braking procedures figured out.
Real Americans just buy a bigger truck and let momentum do its job.
it was good enough for Fred Flintstone, it’s good enough for me.
were we are going we don’t need… brakes
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What kind of client are y’all using that you can’t see The Onion is the community? Are you joking these headlines trick you or is your client hiding the community?
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Tesla about to drop the Flintmobile
Lmao, how very Elon Musk of him 😅
Move fast and brake things.
Just open the doors. That should have the same effect.
But if it’s raining you’ll void the warranty!
The turbulence of openning the windows should act as an airbrake.
