Edit: thank you all for your wonderful, heartwarming support! 🩷 I must’ve had a particularly bad episode (?) last night and I needed to vent. Wish you all a pleasant day! 🩵
cw: passive suicidal thoughts
I wish that I didn’t feel the need to feel any purpose with my existence or meaning in life, but I do and it hurts so badly. I was so close to going to the psychiatric ER today because I didn’t know what to do with the immense, overwhelming chest pain. I “play” with the thought of ceasing to exist because I hate that I’m just a piece of meat. All I do is survive each day. Alone and ugly. I wish I was a simpleton. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn moment. I got some morphine pills the other day, a fairly minor dosage, to help me endure IPL hair removal. I have a few pills left that could make me numb and dumb for a few hours. Not that it’s a viable solution. Next year, when I have saved up some money, I’m thinking about traveling abroad again in order to rediscover myself. I feel so silly. Sorry. Aight. Night. 🌃
Im not sure I do. I sorta crave non existance. Not just passing on but making almost no splash so that it is somehow not noticed. This is why buddhism appeals to me I think.
You’re not silly — you’re totally, totally relatable!
The thing I relate to least is the IPL hair removal (basically stopped shaving body hair when I was 23). But other than that.
At some point every not-so-simpleton wishes for meaning in work/life/existence. Not everyone has these wishes at the same time, so it may feel like you’re alone, but I guarantee you’re not- it’s only natural. Plus our boring dystopia / capitalism keeps us overworked and extra unfulfilled.
As I’ve gotten older my sense of ‘time’ has radically shifted. I know for sure I don’t have enough time to achieve all the great things I wish I could’ve strived for earlier. But I can keep busy with smaller goals, or unexpected moments, or meeting new people, or trying things out for a lark (rather than trying something Big and Meaningful right at the start and punishing myself for failing).
Don’t underestimate depression, certainly seek treatment and relief for that, but know that this is a lull or a low and at some point you will find something fascinating again. 🫂 Emotional existential growing pains? You might need the morphine more later, might as well save it for Later-You.
Travel would be great 🙂 Though I’m also reminded of the SNL parody commercial (TV comedy sketch) with Adam Sandler as a travel agent — “We can take you for a hike; we canNOT turn you into a person who likes hiking…”
Thank you for such a spot on reply! I feel understood!!! 😍
As I’ve gotten older my sense of ‘time’ has radically shifted. I know for sure I don’t have enough time to achieve all the great things I wish I could’ve strived for earlier. But I can keep busy with smaller goals, or unexpected moments, or meeting new people, or trying things out for a lark (rather than trying something Big and Meaningful right at the start and punishing myself for failing). This is indeed one of the things I’m struggling with. On days that I don’t feel totally worthless, I’m trying to saturate my everyday and my heart with the small things: reading, talking to strangers, eating good food, listening to music, exercising. Somtimes it really makes me feel fullfilled, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it doesn’t, I start looking for happiness with a capital H…
Don’t underestimate depression, certainly seek treatment and relief for that, but know that this is a lull or a low and at some point you will find something fascinating again. 🫂 Emotional existential growing pains? You might need the morphine more later, might as well save it for Later-You. If there is one thing, one improvement I have made recently, it’s being able to accept my depression and to take one day, one step at a time. With the antidepressants, I can at least get out of bed. Yeah, I’ll save to morphine for a rainy day. 🤣
Travel would be great 🙂 Though I’m also reminded of the SNL parody commercial (TV comedy sketch) with Adam Sandler as a travel agent — “We can take you for a hike; we canNOT turn you into a person who likes hiking…” I had never seen this one before. It was great. I laughed hard. 🤣 But it also hit hard. Damn, why did they have to make it so poignant. 🤣
Thank you so much for your beautiful humanity!
I love that one 😅 Here’s to saving up for your next trip maybe getting to ride a zipline (wheee)
Sorry for YT link but it’s here https://youtu.be/TbwlC2B-BIg 😅
Thank you all for your wonderful, heartwarming support! 🩷 I must’ve had a particularly bad episode (?) last night and I needed to vent. Wish you all a pleasant day! 🩵
I think everyone does :/ The real pickle is finding it. I feel like a lot of the pain in the world today is from people being forced into an existence they had no say in, we have very little agency in what type of life we can live, it has mostly all been decided by people who lived long before we were even born. What’s more, the way society has been set up, we all have to agree to play by the rules and look out for one another, but more and more people seem to keep eschewing the rules for their own personal enrichment and it’s extremely frustrating to say the least. I’m sure this has been a complaint throughout the ages as well. I’m sure none of that makes you feel better, but you certainly are not alone in that matter at all, I guess I was lucky enough early on to find a love of sound and music and that has been my kind of guiding hand through life, as it were lol, it’s kept me alive at the least. Anyways, I hope you can find some purpose, though just being is enough. You seem to have a kind heart from your posts, please don’t do anything too silly. Travel sounds like a lovely idea :)
Thanks!
I feel like a lot of the pain in the world today is from people being forced into an existence they had no say in, we have very little agency in what type of life we can live, it has mostly all been decided by people who lived long before we were even born. This is one of the concrete thoughts I struggle with when I play with the thought of ceasing to exist. I wish I had the motivation to instead think: “in that case, I’m going to be the one to change this rotten existence!!!” Etc. 🤣
Aww cool! I actually studied at a music programme in highschool! I had been playing classical piano for eight years at the time, and my parents thought it would be a waste to… waste all that effort. I changed major to song and electric guitar during my second year, only to end up quitting focusing on performance all together and instead learn compositiong and arrangement. I am currently looking for a vocal trainer who also sings jazz, because it would be so cool to be able to sing like Frank or - depending on how my gender affirming journey unfolds in the comming years - Diana Panton. And if the singing doesn’t work out, I’d like to learn how to play like Joe Pass or like the guitar player in Diana Panton’s first album If the Moon Turned Green.
In what capacity do you do music? 😊
Yes me as well, but we can’t really let ourselves be bogged down by things we can’t control. I have spent a lot of years internally raging against this life and all I have to show for it is a bunch of wasted time and a shot liver so it doesn’t do much good to stew in it too much. I find myself rather attracted to those thoughts sometimes though, I have to actively push them away or find some other things to replace them because if I let them run free reign it’s over for the day. I don’t know if it’s the same for you as well. Some people are just attracted to the dark, but otherwise consider themselves a very thoughtful and positive person, so it’s a bit of a burden to carry sometimes, but I feel lucky that I am privy to such a spectrum of emotion and feelings, it seems like some people are just zombie walking through life, I need to remind myself sometimes that feeling is good, the low lows might the highs extra sweet I suppose. It takes a ton of energy to do that every day though and few have that kind of energy without something to draw from, whether that be a pet or partner or hobby or spirituality or whatever. So whenever it seems like everyone is having an easier time than you, realize that they are probably leaning on someone or something else as well.
Wow, you have studied a lot that’s impressive, do you still play? :) I’m not quite so learned, more of an experimenter I guess. I didn’t really study music at all and I’m sure that’s pretty evident, I did bass guitar lessons some as a teen until my guitar got stolen, then the same thing happened with drums. I got into electronic music early in the 90s so I was into tracker music (early 4-8 channel computer music files made with programs like ProTracker, OctaMed, Fast Tracker, Scream Tracker, etc.) so I was making stuff on the computer. I finally had a decent job a few years ago so I was able to save some and buy some equipment now I’m doing computer-less (DAWless) electronic music, to some degree of success lol. I suppose I mainly like sound design and composition. I’m on bandcamp or soundcloud as etherphon if you’re curious I don’t really wanna link in your thread here.
I’m not so familiar with jazz so I had to look those up, Diana Panton has a lovely voice :) It takes a lot of emotion to sing like that, it’s harder than one thinks to really belt it out so I admire anyone who’s singing with such passion like that. Good luck with your voice training :) Ah, I think it would be so fun to get up on stage in a beautiful dress and sing my heart out too :) That’s a beautiful aspiration to have, to want to move people so, and that alone is proof you need to stick around because we need all the good people we can here :)
Two suggestions.
First, go out and volunteer to help someone else. Buy groceries for the shut in next door or foster a dog. Helping other people always takes my mind off my own situation.
Second. “Discover What You Are Best At.” Linda Gail. They probably have it at your local library. A series of self tests you can finish in half a day and a list of jobs that use those skills.
For example, a product demonstrator, a nurse, and a hair stylish all need good dexterity and good people skills. Three totally different jobs with similar requirements.
I found having a job where I was valued, and where I was interested in the work, made a huge difference in my life.
Thanks! I have played with the thought of getting some pet in order to have something to care for so that I spend less time with my own mind. I shall look into this further. Meanwhile, and this is only indirectly related to your reply, l while I love both cats and dogs, it feels like such a cheap trick with which to console myself, because - especially dogs - are so expressive and communicative. I’d rather get fish or even reptiles, because all they need from me is to help them maintain a perfect environment for them to live in, a task that in itself could take my mind off of things.
Oh, and I do enjoy my job to a certain extent. Both my boss and colleagues are GREAT and the job itself is rewarding (parole officer, for lack of a better word).
My job was in public health, so I knew I was actually helping people.
Yes, pets are great for your mental health. We had cats when I was a kid. After I moved out I didn’t have any, but after my mother died I decided to get one. Helped a lot.
Good luck
You can have a purpose that is kinda dumb if you want. My purpose is watching women’s sports, and it’s mostly working out okay. You don’t owe anyone anything, so there’s no-one to tell you yours isn’t good enough.
Thanks! You make a great point which I think I need to remind myself of more often! I shouldn’t try to outshine or even to compare myself to my surroundings. I should just do what I want to do, especially if it gives me a sense of purpose.
What agent Smith do to you? He thinks batteries should be less self aware
Well, for starters, he insinuated that I tried to take away his purpose…
It’s an evolutionary advantage to be motivated to do things.
That’s kind of all there is to it.Thank. I believe that’s part of why I feel so horrible: I lack purpose, meaning and motivation to exist. But I’m working on it.
