Edit: thank you all for your wonderful, heartwarming support! 🩷 I must’ve had a particularly bad episode (?) last night and I needed to vent. Wish you all a pleasant day! 🩵

cw: passive suicidal thoughts

I wish that I didn’t feel the need to feel any purpose with my existence or meaning in life, but I do and it hurts so badly. I was so close to going to the psychiatric ER today because I didn’t know what to do with the immense, overwhelming chest pain. I “play” with the thought of ceasing to exist because I hate that I’m just a piece of meat. All I do is survive each day. Alone and ugly. I wish I was a simpleton. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn moment. I got some morphine pills the other day, a fairly minor dosage, to help me endure IPL hair removal. I have a few pills left that could make me numb and dumb for a few hours. Not that it’s a viable solution. Next year, when I have saved up some money, I’m thinking about traveling abroad again in order to rediscover myself. I feel so silly. Sorry. Aight. Night. 🌃

  • printf("%s", name);@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    1·
    19 hours ago

    Thanks! I have played with the thought of getting some pet in order to have something to care for so that I spend less time with my own mind. I shall look into this further. Meanwhile, and this is only indirectly related to your reply, l while I love both cats and dogs, it feels like such a cheap trick with which to console myself, because - especially dogs - are so expressive and communicative. I’d rather get fish or even reptiles, because all they need from me is to help them maintain a perfect environment for them to live in, a task that in itself could take my mind off of things.

    Oh, and I do enjoy my job to a certain extent. Both my boss and colleagues are GREAT and the job itself is rewarding (parole officer, for lack of a better word).

    • DagwoodIII@piefed.socialEnglish
      2·
      16 hours ago

      My job was in public health, so I knew I was actually helping people.

      Yes, pets are great for your mental health. We had cats when I was a kid. After I moved out I didn’t have any, but after my mother died I decided to get one. Helped a lot.

      Good luck