Edit: thank you all for your wonderful, heartwarming support! 🩷 I must’ve had a particularly bad episode (?) last night and I needed to vent. Wish you all a pleasant day! 🩵

cw: passive suicidal thoughts

I wish that I didn’t feel the need to feel any purpose with my existence or meaning in life, but I do and it hurts so badly. I was so close to going to the psychiatric ER today because I didn’t know what to do with the immense, overwhelming chest pain. I “play” with the thought of ceasing to exist because I hate that I’m just a piece of meat. All I do is survive each day. Alone and ugly. I wish I was a simpleton. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn moment. I got some morphine pills the other day, a fairly minor dosage, to help me endure IPL hair removal. I have a few pills left that could make me numb and dumb for a few hours. Not that it’s a viable solution. Next year, when I have saved up some money, I’m thinking about traveling abroad again in order to rediscover myself. I feel so silly. Sorry. Aight. Night. 🌃

  • printf("%s", name);@piefed.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    2·
    21 hours ago

    Thank you for such a spot on reply! I feel understood!!! 😍

    As I’ve gotten older my sense of ‘time’ has radically shifted. I know for sure I don’t have enough time to achieve all the great things I wish I could’ve strived for earlier. But I can keep busy with smaller goals, or unexpected moments, or meeting new people, or trying things out for a lark (rather than trying something Big and Meaningful right at the start and punishing myself for failing). This is indeed one of the things I’m struggling with. On days that I don’t feel totally worthless, I’m trying to saturate my everyday and my heart with the small things: reading, talking to strangers, eating good food, listening to music, exercising. Somtimes it really makes me feel fullfilled, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it doesn’t, I start looking for happiness with a capital H…

    Don’t underestimate depression, certainly seek treatment and relief for that, but know that this is a lull or a low and at some point you will find something fascinating again. 🫂 Emotional existential growing pains? You might need the morphine more later, might as well save it for Later-You. If there is one thing, one improvement I have made recently, it’s being able to accept my depression and to take one day, one step at a time. With the antidepressants, I can at least get out of bed. Yeah, I’ll save to morphine for a rainy day. 🤣

    Travel would be great 🙂 Though I’m also reminded of the SNL parody commercial (TV comedy sketch) with Adam Sandler as a travel agent — “We can take you for a hike; we canNOT turn you into a person who likes hiking…” I had never seen this one before. It was great. I laughed hard. 🤣 But it also hit hard. Damn, why did they have to make it so poignant. 🤣

    Thank you so much for your beautiful humanity!

    • polariscap@lemmy.cafeEnglish
      1·
      14 hours ago

      I love that one 😅 Here’s to saving up for your next trip maybe getting to ride a zipline (wheee)