There are TWO and only TWO options.

One is not explaining. Just say “I’m feeling sick and won’t be making it in” Most will not pry.

If they’re the type of people to pry, just say “I can’t make it in, I think I caught a stomach bug”

That’s it. There is no “mental health day”, you don’t have that chronic disease, you don’t have a bad headache, you aren’t staying home for your own comfort. You, my friend, are shidding out your doo doo ass. That is the only thing you will EVER imply to your work. Vomiting and farding and shidding. No one will ask. No one will try to get you to come in.

In a whisper say, “I have explosive diarrhea.”

No one will question you the next day when you’re back at work acting mostly normal.

You can call in sick without specifying what it is or sounding sick. No need for details, in fact it would be discouraged. “hey boss, sorry but I am afraid I have to call in sick. I’ll most likely be available as usual next blabla” thats it

unless they need a doctors note.

otherwise “private emergency”. Could be anything and if you keep it general it should be understood that asking about details would be prying.

Dont know how cool your boss is though, but “private emergency” means you aren’t taking a sick day so its unpaid, on the other hand it might be outside of your work contract.

I too really struggle with doing it, but calling in is borderline praxis, it is a good thing to do. Force them employers to learn that people have needs and will not always be at work no matter what.

Keep it short and sweet, don’t offer details, and if pushed, claim poop disease, or severe dizziness to the point you can’t stand up. No acting required, just keep it boring and vague, you don’t know what the cause is.

Honestly, I freak out having to do such calls, it sucks. But it need only be like 20 seconds, done and dusted, then the world is yours to enjoy for a day. “I won’t be in today, can’t stand up too dizzy, hopefully be there tomorrow”, bam.

Say you have come down with what you think is food poisoning and tell your boss that you are spending equal amounts of time between bed and the bathroom. They aren’t going to want to inquire further, nobody wants to catch it if it’s contagious, and nobody wants to be the guy who forced their employee to come into work and thus making that person shit themselves while on the clock. Also not even greedy, compassionless arsehole bosses want to pay a staff member who is going to spend a few hours on the toilet nor do they want to be stuck with the responsibility for a person who cannot leave the workplace because things have deteriorated and now the staff member cannot be more than 10 mins away from a toilet.

If they push you on details, tell them that you’re doing okay keeping food down but the rest is not fun and that you aren’t so bad that you need to go to the hospital but you aren’t in any state to leave the house at the moment.

If you have some bad diarrhoea then you probably aren’t going to sound very sick, which is nice for lying about needing the day off. Just don’t sound too chipper when you call in. A bout of bad diarrhoea can pass quickly enough and there aren’t going to be any outwardly visible indications of lingering sickness that you would expect from someone who, say, called in because of severe hayfever or the flu so this is probably your safest bet.

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“can’t come into work, too horny”

IMO don’t do any of the cornball shit like trying to sound sick if you aren’t, and do not ask or make it sound like there is any negotiation to be had.

Simply ask to speak to the person who needs to know and when they pick up just “Hey I’m not feeling well I will not be coming in today.” Just state it as fact.

For those bad at lying the best alternative is to provide as little information as possible. “I’m not coming in to work today I’m unwell” or variations of.

Infact its a good method even for those good at lying. The less information given the less it can be opposed or challenged

Assuming you have a shitty manager that doesn’t respect “I’m not coming into work due to sickness. Using a PTO/NPTO day”:
Food poisoning is a classic, people know it involves puking and shitting and fever, so they won’t ask a lot of questions. “A crisis in the family”/“Personal crisis” is also good and vague, you can indicate something horrible has happened without having to explain in large detail due to it being “personal”. You can also fake having a traffic accident/having your ride be fucked up somehow.

Regarding needing to be seen as good: Your work owes you sick days, the fact that it believes it doesn’t is insane. You yourself decide when you are not well enough to go to work, and mental health is also health. If your workplace does not believe it’s workers can get sick, then you should not believe it is owed an explanation. Furthermore: Most unions (where I’m from) that require sick-days also require that the boss cannot ask about the nature of the sickness as long as it is less than 3 days.

Some good advice here but try not to add too many details. The more you add to your story the less believable it is. “I won’t be in today I have spent the last 3 hours on the toilet” is one I use a lot

Developing hypochondria can make you convince others by convincing yourself!

As far as useful tips, afraid not. You kinda just have to call up and say you feel sick or whatever. Don’t fake cough unless you’re good at it, people can tell.

I feel extremely uncomfortable lying and I usually will just say “I’m not going to be able to make it in, I’m using a sick day” but I work for a big corporation that staffs a lot of people and builds an expected amount of daily staff shrinkage into the staffing plan so they don’t like, interrogate people, may not work for everyone.

You are doing good, you’re talking care of a very important person, yourself! Your boss doesn’t have that interest in mind, so you’re going over his head to your top boss - again, yourself.

Don’t forget, no pics on social media.

And go with the doodoo ass excuse, bonus points for calling while dropping the kids off at the pool. Eat a lot of the day before so you can get some sound effects going.

Keep a gun or knife in your hand while on the call for extra confidence