That’s about it. So much has gone wrong in my life in the past month, it feels like nothing is right anymore. It’s getting hard to even care enough to get up. I cut my hand again. I’m living with someone I feel nothing for. My body is all wrong and I can’t fix it…

I’m switching between nearly deleting my account or just jumping. I’ve been here long enough. Stuff just won’t get better.
It was foolish of me. Thinking I could ever be anything but a man. I believed it for a brief, lovely moment. But it’s time to put these thoughts to rest. I’ll never be anything else but a man.

Seeing lovely cis people going on with their lives while I struggle with even being me, that hurts. It hurts so much that every trip outside is torture to me. I don’t know why I keep thinking that will change, it won’t.

I should have done it, back then, at 16. Back then, it was already too late with what puberty had done. I shouldn’t have lived past 18. And so, I’m correcting this mistake. Today will probably be my last day. About damn time…

Goodbye Lemmy! You were amazing. Patient with me, always supportive. Too bad I was such a failure to be grateful for any of it…
This is farewell.

Edit: Police was here. First time. Hmm. I guess I should start with some food, I feel awful. I think BPD is spot on, actually, but the intervals are weird. It’s months and the depression phase doesn’t last as long (thank god). Definitely hypomania, not mania as well. I’ll get help. Thank you all, I don’t even fucking deserve this much care and support 💜

Edit2: I really, honestly, truly hate myself. For starting HRT so late. For being so ugly and masculine. For being so weak…not even being able to end it, despite wanting nothing more but peace and everlasting silence. I’m not a girl. I can’t be a girl. I’m an insult to all women, I’ll never pass, I’m freakishly ugly, masculine and just plain fucked…I’ll probably regret this, but I guess I’m alive for now.

  • gandalf_die_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    5 days ago

    miisha, you clearly have a bad case of bipolar disorder and you need to talk to a doctor about it. euphoric and depressed thoughts oscillate within you at a scary intensity. these lows aren’t normal. please get some mood-stabilizing meds.

    • ChaoticNeutralCzech@feddit.org
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      2 days ago

      I can’t get her to meet allied people nearby who could help carry her through the low points, and conservative Mom won’t let me visit her 😔

      Do you think meditation could help her? What kind?

      Her psychiatrist is clearly prejudiced so medicine options are limited.

  • nikki@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    5 days ago

    miisha please stay with us, the world is a better place with you here

    as has been said it sounds like you could have BPD, seeking help for this should be your top priority right now. you deserve to live your life as the woman youve become

  • LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zoneM
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    5 days ago

    Hi Miisha, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time right now. You are not a man sweetheart.

    Please take some time to contact a crisis hotline to talk with someone. Life doesn’t have to be so painful. You need to talk with someone.

  • chattre@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    5 days ago

    you’re one of the few women I look up to and relate to. I’ve felt the same way granted it waxes and wanes and I know how hard it is to even consider such a decision, to do or not to do, to make it stop or hope it gets better.

    please don’t go Miisha. we love you.

  • Courtney (she/her/they) @lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    4 days ago

    Girl, you are not a man, I’ve seen men, and I’ve seen you. Sure, not in person, but through pictures you’ve posted (with this and one previous account) and I would never think you were a man walking past you.

    You didn’t “start too late”, you started when you were willing and able to. I am in my 30s, only 4 months in to hrt. I feel like I waited too long, but I had no access when I was a teenager and wanted to be a girl. By the time I had access, I had hidden myself back into a closet. This year I was willing and able, and nobody is going to stop me.

    One thing I catch myself doing is comparing my own body with (often cis) women of a body type that has been idealized by modern standards. Modern standards that we keep reminding ourselves are unrealistic. And as AMAB, I believe we feel a different kind of pressure, both from others and ourselves, to fit into that type.

    I will most likely look like a more masculine combination of my mother and sister, minus a bunch of weight. I am as okay with that as I can be, but we’ll see how things go.

    I know cis women who lean into their natural masculine look, I know cis men who lean into their feminine look. For now I’m somewhere in between. I basically look like I did last year, just with a little extra weight due to my chest getting a little bigger, and trying to lean into the feminine side of things. I flop back and forth as to whether it’s working. Sometimes at work I catch myself in a mirror and think “hey I DO look girly” and others I avoid looking in the mirrors entirely. Good days and bad days.

    I don’t have fixes, and I’m sorry for that. But I do know I’m happier to have you on lemmy, I always enjoy your posts even if I don’t comment.

    (mental health side note I will give BPD a +1, my spouse has it and my sister has it, your highs and lows are certainly indications, pls seek medical advice and get better 😙)

  • Mistiy@lemmy.zip
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    5 days ago

    This is the first time i’ve seen or heard of you. Just reading through your posts, you sound and look like a beautiful human. The world is cruel right now. It is, and I know that you know that more than anyone. And yet… I can see that even you see the good sides of life.

    I know you can’t see yourself in a few months or even years right now. I’ve been there before. I know it’s so stupid to say that things will get better. Nobody can ever guarantee that. But they do. They have and they will. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

    The world needs you, Miisha. I know you might not be able to feel it right now, but there’s many many people who love you and care about you, even if you can’t see it right now…

    Stay strong, you lovely being. Misty

  • themaninblack@lemmy.world
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    5 days ago

    This thread is crazy silent.

    Look, I’m not anything but I just want to say sometimes I just decided to hang out to see what would happen.

    Someone in the southern hemisphere loves you

    Go to the hospital if you must but just… don’t off yourself yet.

  • mel ♀
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    5 days ago

    I’ve been considering to cut me quiete severly recently, little sister. I was lucky to have people care me. Let us care for you. We can’t help you phisically, but we are all with you. And you told me you’d watch someone for me 👉👈 and I wish we can bond more. I use arch btw

  • blarth@thelemmy.club
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    4 days ago

    Hey, hold on a moment!

    Our world is really hard to live in. Even harder if you don’t fit into an easy-to-accept mold. Being attractive, having the same cookie cutter-beliefs as others, all that stuff. But today is just one day. You’re feeling as low as you’ve felt in a long time, I am guessing. You won’t always feel this way. Your life still has times of joy and love available in it. And if you were to take your own life, you would probably very much regret it as you were dying.

    I had cancer a while back. I have experienced a lot of depression, disappointment, and heartache as well, and before that, I felt similar to the way you are. It didn’t make sense to keep going. And I sometimes contemplated doing the same thing.

    After that diagnosis, I found myself being so incredibly sad that my life might soon be over. There were things that right now one would perceive as small and meaningless that became moments that brought me to tears. A simple drive down the highway with my partner was one of the biggest ones. Just an evening drive back home, the same drive we’d made hundreds if not thousands of times.

    Life has changed for me since then. I know now that suicide is never going to be a solution for me. And that has been a gift of an experience that I hope I can pass to you.

    It’s hard out there. Be kind to yourself and to others.

    • Miisha ♀️@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOP
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      4 days ago

      I’m…really sorry to hear that. I’m glad you here and I really hope you stay for as long as possible. Thank you so much 💜

  • Azalea@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    5 days ago

    Pleaaasee Miisha, you aren’t a man, and I say that with complete certainty. Please stay, I really hope you can stay and get through this. I’ve sent a request on matrix if you want to talk.