When we willingly chose to start this war against our will, we had one sole objective: to make everything slightly worse than it was before. And now, through a combination of military might and hard-nosed diplomacy, we have achieved our aim.

Go ahead, step outside. Breathe. Admittedly, you won’t notice much of a difference because the world today is pretty much the same as it was a few weeks ago, only more unstable. Which, again—and we cannot stress this enough—was the whole point.

Sure, it was touch-and-go for a while there. Entirely predictable things happened that we could never have foreseen, jeopardizing our chances of success in this completely unnecessary war of necessity. The world teetered on the brink of chaos: financial collapse, geopolitical meltdown, the potential death of millions. But at the last minute, when all hope seemed lost, we managed to avert disaster and walk away with precisely what we set out to accomplish: a net loss.

Are we SURE this article is satire?