I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.

I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.

I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.

Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.

This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.

In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.

I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!

  • knightmare1147@lemmy.world
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    34 minutes ago

    Fuck this “manliness” bullshit. Wear a skirt. Punch anyone who makes a thing of it. You do you, boss and you do it to be happy with yourself. Nobody else gets to decide that. Nobody.

  • iarigby@lemmy.world
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    56 minutes ago

    I fundamentally disagree with your premise. Being caring, vulnerable, gentle is in no way incompatible with being manly. All require a lot of courage, strength, and intelligence. I do not think that manliness should be defined by its most toxic representatives.

    I also heard an interesting take on this: we technically do not have a definition of what “manliness” means, as currently society is built around hating and oppressing women. Boys are told “don’t be a girl”, pretty much - don’t cry, don’t be ‘emotional’, don’t compromise, etc.

    I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser and instead managed to become a “real man”.

    If you have trouble breaking the friendship barrier, consider getting in touch and expressing your romantic side more, because the qualities you describe are super attractive

  • amelia@feddit.org
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    2 hours ago

    Two thoughts on this:

    1. There are probably way more men out there than you think that feel very similar, but are ashamed to be open about this, especially towards male peers, and therefore build a facade of manly manliness that doesn’t reflect their actual personality.

    2. There are probably way more women out there than you think that like exactly this personality. Dude, a lot of women like women. Women are usually not very manly. So if there are enough women liking women, there are enough women liking dudes like you. Don’t worry. Lots of women aren’t attracted to macho-type guys at all.

  • funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works
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    7 hours ago

    there is a billion dollar market for boy bands all over the globe, all of whom have a member who looks like your description.

    In aesthetics - yes, people of all genders and orientations like that look/style in their chosen inamorata.

  • Komodo Rodeo@lemmy.world
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    16 hours ago

    Don’t feel bad for being cute, you do you - which also may or may not be the dream of a woman 1+ ft. taller than you.

    • sprigatito_bread@lemmy.worldOP
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      15 hours ago

      Alas, that’s a tough find given that I’m over 6 feet tall, but the idea of a shorter woman making herself taller to kiss my forehead (by standing on a step or stool) somehow became even more appealing to me lol.

      • Komodo Rodeo@lemmy.world
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        1 hour ago

        Not so uncommon a situation as you might assume, there are plenty of shortstacks willing to work with the height discrepancy.

  • Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works
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    23 hours ago

    Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!

    And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).

  • Kaliax@lemmy.world
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    21 hours ago

    A term for a similarly related self-appraisal popped up in the early 2000s of Metrosexual. Obviously it has faded, but was for a time a steadfast declaration by plenty of men at the time (I was one of them). I’m old now so my pulse on such things has waned - but hell yeah, brother - you do you! That’s always attractive imo.

  • Hossenfeffer@feddit.uk
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    1 day ago

    You do you. Someone will love you and it’s better that they love you than a you you’re pretending to be.

  • selokichtli@lemmy.ml
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    1 day ago

    You are attractive, probably very attractive. Your post makes it clear to me. You receive attention of multiple women, and some of them are even making advances on you. Manly men are in crisis, in my opinion. Feminism all around is putting the concept of the manly man in question, and you, my friend, are the next step, like the X-men mutant to the human being.

    In any case, what’s a man, anyway? They will tell you all kinds of zombie answers. As someone raised by women and two absent masculine figures, I just don’t get it. Learned to set limits with bullies the bad way, always taking advantage of the situation cowardly, but effectively, and I don’t regret kicking them while they were on the floor. What I mean is, if it works for you being all cute, be cute by all means, but if you want to have sex, be all the cute you want saying that seriously; otherwise, people, women, will take you for a prude, maybe even gay, and I don’t know why, but that’s been my experience.

    Be yourself. Don’t let other men show off by demeaning you, don’t let women think you’re some kind of a monk, especially the ones you are attracted to. Those are the limits.

    EDIT: just to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but it hardly works to project that idea if you want to get intimate with the opposite sex.

  • HatchetHaro@pawb.social
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    1 day ago

    bro that is manly as fuck. keep doing you because it’s hella manly to be gentle and caring and nurturing.

    you need to stop worrying about all that “not alpha/sigma male = not attractive” self-doubt. you also need to stop worrying about your attractiveness. you’re already attractive to some people. just find people you really enjoy hanging out with one on one, and eventually you’ll land a partner.

    • glorkon@lemmy.world
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      1 day ago

      This. Exactly this.

      Trying to be what others consider desirable or normal is really just a kind of lack of strength in your own personality. True strength is when you can be yourself, don’t pretend and simply live the way you want to be. Your friends will be true friends because they will know you without pretense. Anyone who doesn’t find you attractive in this way is the wrong partner.

  • RBWells@lemmy.world
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    1 day ago

    I am certainly not in your target demographic, and personally yeah it would be a turnoff but it would be really stupid for you to try to change and be unhappy - you don’t need everyone to appreciate you in a romantic way, you only need a few admirers, right?

    Looking at the people my kids date (more likely your age) they don’t seem to have the preference for “manly men”, none of them. They like guys who are not afraid to be soft, not afraid to wear nail polish or look ‘girly’ or whatever, they seem to find guys who do the Masculine thing actively off-putting. So you are in a good cultural moment I’d say. I think you will do fine being yourself, also never think it’s a weakness to be gentle and caring. Most people want to be taken care of to some extent, just make sure this isn’t a one-way thing, you take care of them too.

  • meyotch@slrpnk.net
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    1 day ago

    Good sir,

    The yoga community is starved for healthy male presence (practice at most studios as a man and you will be a distinct minority).

    This community values the same gentle and nurturing approach you have realized that you embody. The fact that you are introspective, respectful and self aware just makes it an even better fit for what you describe.

    I cannot think of a place more accepting of individual differences and the persona you describe would be very welcome in those spaces.

    I wouldn’t recommend this to someone who was just a pussy-hound, it wouldn’t be welcomed.

    Yoga is a sex-positive and body-positive philosophy that doesn’t focus directly on sex usually, but instead helps one become a more rounded person, part of which is healthy relationships that may include physical intimacy.

    You seem to understand boundaries and respect. So this suggestion is more about how to build the kind of community where your unique gifts are valued.

    I have built many valuable relationships through my practice, most all non-romantic but all very supportive. From that foundation however, my more intimate relationships have improved immensely too.

    My two cents