Now that’s an auntie I’d snag

Folks, the bourgeoisie, they’re no good, more and more people are saying it. Let me tell you, All these workers, very handsome workers come up to me and say, “Comrade Trump, there is a specter haunting Europe.” And you know what, they’re right. These bourgeois are very nasty people, very, very, rude and very unfair to the workers. They are stealing our surplus value and no one is doing anything about it. The proletariat comes up to me every day and they say “Comrade Trump, will you lead the revolution?” And I gotta turn to them and say, "Look, the instruments of capitalism will be used to bring about its destruction, believe me. You gotta trust me on this one."The means of production, Obama never wanted to seize them. Well guess what? I’m seizing them. Landlords? They’re done for, folks. Everyone told me, they said, “Comrade Trump, you won’t be the vanguard of the revolution.” And they would laugh, the media laughed, the Democrats laughed. Well, guess who’s laughing now? Believe me, folks, nobody can lead a proletarian revolution better than me. Bourgeoi-ller Clinton is another capitalist social democrat in disguise. “Social fascists” I call them, they’re the moderate wing of fascism.

And then you have these capitalists, those are real beauties! This is their new hoax- they take a piece of machine, a big beautiful shiny new means of production, and they buy it and y’know, they own it, it’s a big beautiful shiny new machine, all the bells and whistles, bing bing bing, and then they have the workers- who are totally not being treated fairly in this country, folks, BELIEVE ME, totally exploited, and they have these workers-and they pay them a certain amount, could beee… $20 per hour, could be TEN, could be FIVE, could be TWELVE, they pay them a certain amount, okay, and with their labor they build the product.

And the owner of the machine, of the capital, they turn around and sell the product at a yuuuuuuge markup, they call it “profit.” OK, so they call it profit! They don’t sell it at the cost it took to make it, okay, so what do they do with this extra, you know what I call it? I call it surplus value. I call it surplus value, and do they share the surplus value with the people whose labor PROVIDED the value it took to make that product? I don’t think so, folks.

They stick it in a bank and then they say “Ohhhh, I can’t afford to pay you more!” Bad- BAD people. It’s totally phony, folks. Raw deal, our proletariat are getting a raw deal. But not for long! We’re gonna- and, by the way, it never occurs the workers to pool their resources and buy the big beautiful machine in order to share the profit that they created in the first place with their labour! And you know why? Because the capitalists pay the workers such a low wage they can’t afford to then invest and pool their money and share in ownership… of the means of production! Can’t do it! This is the biggest scam on the planet, folks! Boy, I’ve heard some real beauties but that one, WOW, that’s a doozy. That’s a real beauty. But we’re gonna fix it, folks, we’re gonna fix it, okay? and you know what the laborers are going to do? They’re gonna WIN.

Folks, what we did in 1917–the Revolution I call it, with a capital R–it’s never been done before. So many big beautiful red flags, you couldn’t even–now that, folks, that’s a flag we stand up for, we don’t kneel for our terrific red flag–and you couldn’t even see the Winter Palace, you know. You know the Mensheviks, you take a look at what they said, and they were a, uh, a failed party, and Renegade Kautsky, very nasty to me but that’s okay, they said we couldn’t do it! They said, “Oh, Vlad, the material conditions are bad, we have to have a bourgeois republic to develop the forces of production.” You know what that means, right? Semi-feudal economy! Okay, you get Semi-Feudal, and I said, I told them we can’t have Semi-Feudal. Well, look at where we are now, Julius. We are going to develop the forces of production so fast it’ll make your head spin. We are going to do in a generation what it took them many, many years to do. BELIEVE ME.

And then we have these imperialist states. These are- these are very bad players, folks. Bad hombres. Very deceptive- it’s horrible. Sleepy Joe is probably working with these fifth columnists. I know all about columns, believe me, ok? I’ve built- probably millions- I’ve probably built millions of columns. But all sleepy Joe will build is a bourgeois capitalist tyranny, ok folks?

We’re bringing back bread, folks! And not just bread, but peace too–and you know, the Left-SRs, they’re very nasty to me about Brest-Litovsk, they say I make bad deals with the Germans, even though nobody does treaties better than me, and the Germans are tough, but when they deal with me they know my reputation, they know I make the best deals, and you know, many people in Germany, they say they want Lenin too! Little pickelhaube man is scared, because he knows that we have built an incredible movement, and we are gonna have world revolution, the biggest revolution anyone has ever had. But, still, you know, the fake bourgeois media, the white guards, they say “He colluded with the Germans, he got on the train, did this did that”–and they’re just crazed. They are really crazed. Right. And we can’t just let that happen, because there’s nothing to do with Germany, nothing at all. Total witch hunt. Very unfair.

It’s using fascism to crush the fascism? That’s illegal!

Nah. Most fascists in 2024 don’t even understand that they are fascists. There’s likely only a few thousand (if that) people on the US right who actually self-identify as fascists.

“Communism is anything I don’t like” and “Fascism is anything I don’t like” is interchangeable to these clowns.

All they know is “Freeedooommmm”