I’ve been closeted for like 30 years. How tf do I let it out? I’m ready to come out, tell people, finally go live my life, but all I know is the mask. Who is this scared little girl that’s hiding in here? How do I go be myself when I don’t know who that is? I feel naked and exposed without my masc.

Go experiment? I’m still in that “man in a dress” stage, not sure if I’m going to be able to get HRT, so even looking at myself in the mirror is horrible. I’m trying to lose weight and I’m doing the laser hair removal thing, and those feel great, but

I feel like I missed my life, missed learning how to girl, and now I’m expected to woman? Can I please get some girlhood real quick so I can figure out how to woman? I want to go through the emo phase and the punk phase and maybe dabble in goth, I want to be cringe, I want to have a sleepover with the girls and do each other’s hair and makeup so we can practice.

There’s so many things that are gendered. I wore my belt "backward"s today, because I was always taught the “correct” boys way to do it. I feel like I’m drowning in the shallow end of the gender pool.

If I’m going to do makeup I’m going to have to look at myself in the mirror. If I’m going to do my hair I’m going to have to do something about the balding. If I’m going to change my wardrobe, do I do that now or wait until I lose these 10 kilos?

I pulled the cork and… I guess I thought I was gonna get a genie wish and wake up the next day as a girl. Instead I have to transition, and probably without any HRT. I guess this is the hard part.

Sorry for the ramble, even verbalizing these thoughts, this sentence, is hard. I’m so practiced at keeping it all in that even though it’s happening, I don’t know how to let it all out.

  • Bloom@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    11·
    9 months ago

    Hi probably Amber, congrats! Great name btw :) It’s great that you wrote all this down! Writing can really help processing all the things on your mind! At least it does for me. When I was exploring I started to write everything I wanted to in a diary and it can be such a relieve sometimes just to put all your thoughts on paper or your phone.

    My advice as a freshly cracked egg: Take it a step at a time. Maybe create a little timeline: 1. Get a therapist 2. Research what to do about balding 3. make a plan to lose weight etc

    Do one little scary thing at a time and repeat until it’s no longer scary.

    The only way is forward; you can make new girly memories. I started to, consciously and unconsciously, mimic women around me. Just like a little girl would I suppose to learn how to be a woman.

    Sorry if I have too much unwanted advice!

    Know that you’re not alone & be kind to yourself ❤️