I’ve been closeted for like 30 years. How tf do I let it out? I’m ready to come out, tell people, finally go live my life, but all I know is the mask. Who is this scared little girl that’s hiding in here? How do I go be myself when I don’t know who that is? I feel naked and exposed without my masc.
Go experiment? I’m still in that “man in a dress” stage, not sure if I’m going to be able to get HRT, so even looking at myself in the mirror is horrible. I’m trying to lose weight and I’m doing the laser hair removal thing, and those feel great, but
I feel like I missed my life, missed learning how to girl, and now I’m expected to woman? Can I please get some girlhood real quick so I can figure out how to woman? I want to go through the emo phase and the punk phase and maybe dabble in goth, I want to be cringe, I want to have a sleepover with the girls and do each other’s hair and makeup so we can practice.
There’s so many things that are gendered. I wore my belt "backward"s today, because I was always taught the “correct” boys way to do it. I feel like I’m drowning in the shallow end of the gender pool.
If I’m going to do makeup I’m going to have to look at myself in the mirror. If I’m going to do my hair I’m going to have to do something about the balding. If I’m going to change my wardrobe, do I do that now or wait until I lose these 10 kilos?
I pulled the cork and… I guess I thought I was gonna get a genie wish and wake up the next day as a girl. Instead I have to transition, and probably without any HRT. I guess this is the hard part.
Sorry for the ramble, even verbalizing these thoughts, this sentence, is hard. I’m so practiced at keeping it all in that even though it’s happening, I don’t know how to let it all out.
It took you 30 years to get to where you are today. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can?
I dont have anything to offer but support and encouragement.
Congratulations on making it as far as you have!
Hi probably Amber, congrats! Great name btw :) It’s great that you wrote all this down! Writing can really help processing all the things on your mind! At least it does for me. When I was exploring I started to write everything I wanted to in a diary and it can be such a relieve sometimes just to put all your thoughts on paper or your phone.
My advice as a freshly cracked egg: Take it a step at a time. Maybe create a little timeline: 1. Get a therapist 2. Research what to do about balding 3. make a plan to lose weight etc
Do one little scary thing at a time and repeat until it’s no longer scary.
The only way is forward; you can make new girly memories. I started to, consciously and unconsciously, mimic women around me. Just like a little girl would I suppose to learn how to be a woman.
Sorry if I have too much unwanted advice!
Know that you’re not alone & be kind to yourself ❤️
How does one get a therapist? That’s not something I usually think about.
Depends on where you are! I had a chat with my GP and they referred me to one. It’s included in my health insurance so it was kinda a no-brainer for me
Hey there, Amber! Did I get your name right?
The right answer is there’s no right answer :)
You want to do all the things, feel all the things, be all the things, all at once. So very understandable. And I’m sorry we all have to go through this phase: the confusion, mourning what can never be, longer for what might be, impatient for changes, stuck waiting, sailing as it were without a compass.
It’s the classic transgender experience, and it’s both terrible and wonderful.
If it helps, I understand, and I’m one of many who has faced these struggles, and is moving forward. Just like you will, when the time comes. I’ll offer some practical tips below, but first I want to tell you briefly what it’s like to be an older trans girl.
I started transition at 37, and let me tell you, the past three years have been FULL of moments of girlhood, blended with mature adulthood. It’s a strange combination. Sometimes I feel so new, everything seems so special and magical, other times I’m simply over it. Right now I’m experimenting with my style, totally in the goth and emo phase – we’re never too old for this – and absolutely rocking it.
Last weekend, I spent hours applying makeup and debating over my outfit before going to an EDM party. I ended up in a skirt, fishnet tights, button up shirt, loose tie with fancy knot, leather jacket, and patent platform boots. I danced for one of the first times in my life, all night long. I was silly, I was unleashed, free spirit, blissful. Maybe I don’t pass perfectly yet, but it didn’t matter. I have never wanted to dance like that before, never had the confidence to try.
It’s not exactly the same as being a cis girl. But it is damn close, the feelings inside me, the desire to explore my identity, the doubts, pushing boundaries, the joys of practicing my walk, my voice, my makeup skills. Touching and holding my chest, double checking my reflection in the mirror, I can hardly believe this is me! But I’ve been here living every day of it.
At work, other women have become so forthcoming and trusting of me, about very intimate matters and it’s something I never experienced before. The sense of kinship is there, even if I’m not fully out yet. They sense who I am, regardless of how I look.
What I mean is you will find girlhood and womanhood, actually you are already there, and part of the journey is wondering if you’re doing it all correctly. But you will experience the pain and pleasure of it, in your own time and way, just like every other woman.
Can I ask why you’ll “never get HRT?”
To your questions about what you can do today? I’ll dump a bunch of ideas here but the point isn’t to tackle them all. Just imagine the possibilities. From time to time, you will feel the time is right, and you will add something new to your arsenal. It might take months or years.
I literally started with cheap lingerie and nail polish. Long before I knew I was trans. The pleasure, the sense of calm and rightness from wearing a stuffed bra, seeing what I might look like, a preview of how I look now – could there have been any greater sign of my gender identity? Seeing my nails in sky blue was a delight. I think nail polish is a great place to start, it’s an act of self-care, a sort of ritual, but give yourself considerable leeway for mistakes. It takes a while to find the right touch.
Spoiler...
This goes for all things transgender: Try to see the beauty in the process, not hypernalyzing the results or comparing yourself to an ideal. The fun is in the exploration, the mischief, the mistakes, as much as the successes. A friend at work showed me photos of her children’s “first time trying makeup”. Hahaha trust me nothing you or I do could look so ridiculous, but they had fun. Why shouldn’t we have fun? :)
You gotta go through the embarassing awkward stages to reach your beautiful potential. I like to compare us to the metamorphosis of a butterfly. Don’t let mistakes and frustrations hold you back, but always try again. Don’t be afraid to fail.
Clothing? A sports bra. Dead simple and super euphoria inducing. Also panties. This is the base you begin with. Eventually I switched to panties every day, and once HRT kicked in, wore bras daily for years. (Ironically, the farther I progress the less need I have for these “props” if you will, and often don’t wear bras anymore).
I can recommend tights, thigh highs, stockings. With all clothes, get a tape measure to estimate your sizing. They do make foot and legwear for taller, thicker girls, even if it’s harder to find. I can offer suggestions if needed.
Dresses are far more difficult. Let me tell you something I’ve learned. Every woman will look awful in certain styles. But every woman will look amazing in others. For me personally, bony, skinny, and not so curvy, I look great in clothes that flare out to provide a sense of curviness. Many women are the same.
But honestly I wouldn’t start with dresses. Those are easier when you have a lot of momentum already. Try a women’s cut shirt or polo. For more of a challenge but to see your figure change temporarily, try a corset or waist trainer. Mini skirts are nice too, and a classic trans girl wear paired with thigh highs.
Get some women’s jeans, you can get any number of styles. My classic “fem” look for the first couple of years was a women’s shirt, skinny jeans and a sports bra. Super basic, simple, but euphoria inducing. Only in the last month have I progressed to more diverse options, camis, crop tops, skinny straps, mesh shirts. I’ve started using layers more, as my wardrobe grows, and wearing makeup more often, especially eyeliner and nail polish.
But you gotta start somewhere and start simple. Same with makeup. Take a girlfriend to the drugstore with you, get a few cheap options she thinks might look good on you, get a vanity mirror, go home and relax and try it. Remember to use a light touch, not as if you are plastering a ceiling, but rather as if putting fine finishing touches on a masterpiece. Go light, subtle, and accept imperfections. “Perfect is the enemy of good”. Try a little foundation, a little blush, lipstick, but if you can do eye makeup – you won’t want or need much else.
Oh and you’ll want a good spf moisturizer under it all. Like seriously, if you really work just on skincare alone, you might find yourself making cis women jealous. Other women tell me all the time how my skin is “pretty”, but like, it’s a ton of work. I wasn’t born with it. Keeping acne under control, shaving, exfoliating, getting plenty of rest, drinking enough water, avoid sunburn (big hats are your friend), eating healthy, dont smoke, or drink in excess. These are all things you can work on for pretty skin. Obviously HRT would help too. But your skin will reflect your overall health.
About looking at yourself in the mirror, try a vanity with ring light, those are designed to make us look good lol. Avoid wall mirrors, harsh lighting. I still don’t like the way certain mirrors make me look. But it has gotten much better. Changing my hair style, washing my face, taking a shower, a few things that give me a fresher more appealing look.
If face hair is a concern, look into professional laser or electrolysis hair removal. Pricey, but effective. I feel much more comfortable with my face now the dark hairs have been removed. It is a huge relief to only shave once a week, if needed, I’m still working on the light hairs. Beard shadow is greatly reduced, which means one less thing to cover with makeup!
As you progress you might decide to take other steps, sharing your name and pronouns with others (friends, family, coworkers), voice training on your own or with a therapist, medical transition with HRT and various other surgical options. I don’t go into much detail here because it seems you are still quite early on, but please do ask if you have questions about these things.
Thanks for the girl talk. That helps a ton. I especially like the idea of wearing what I normally wear, but girl. I’ll look into some pants, blouses, and sweaters cut for ladies, and see about a bra and maybe some falsies. After that I’ll have to bite the bullet and get some makeup and look in the mirror. I’ve always known what I am, so I’ve leaned pretty hard into the GNC, so I’ve already been painting my nails for a while, and it does give such gender euphoria.
I’ve been using a little laser I bought on Amazon for the last couple of weeks, I think it’s working. Afraid to point it at my face, so I might get that done professionally. Got myself prescriptions for hair loss, we’ll see what happens there.
I got a sugar scrub, is that a good skincare routine? I honestly know nothing about that.
I have one friend who calls me Amber, I’m still kinda closeted to everyone else. I was planning on coming out to my family at the super bowl party at my sister’s house, but we got sick.
HRT is… So I’m married, my wife and I have kids. I’m tied down. I’ve been open and honest about all this with the wife (eventually) and she’s let me know where she is. The current compromise is that I can go full femboy, she has no moral issue with that. She draws the line at HRT. We are Christians, but I’m definitely more liberal and egalitarian than she is, I kinda have to be to exist at all as a trans Christian. I see nothing wrong with being in a homosexual relationships, she does. She’s bi, and maybe agender, but feels she has to suppress it. We’re working through it. Every time I mention this online, people are like “break up with her!” and the answer to that is no. We truly love each other and are going to make this work. I knew when I got married in a conservative church that I would probably never get to transition, I made that choice and I’m going to stick with her. Going “full femboy,” as she put it, is further than I ever thought I’d get to go, and I’m going to take full advantage of that. I’m hoping that when she sees how happy every step of this journey is making me, she’ll eventually call me by my real name and be ok with HRT. We’ll see, but I’m not getting my hopes up.
Ah that’s rough. That’s super tough. And all too common. I think it’s very noble of you to place so much value on your relationships, that you deny yourself something so fundamental. I think if your wife understood what that means… well cisgender people can never really understand how it feels.
I cry a bit for you sister. I’m not married and will never have children, so I get to do whatever I want (yay?). But I have to say, it’s a helluva tradeoff and I think if I could go back and do it over again, I would have tried harder to find someone and get married earlier in life. It’s what I always craved.
Sigh. Well all is not lost. Some people don’t transition until their 50s and 60s, or even later. That’s many years away, who knows what might change. You walk a difficult path, like all of us, and I hope you continue to find comforts and happiness, and yourself, along the way.
For skincare routine, I’ve never used a sugar scrub, but indeed exfoliation is a key component. Best to be gentle, I like to exfoliate a few times a week. Before HRT, I would do so every day, because my skin was thicker and more oily. The other keys are keeping your skin clean - I like a gentle cleanser like off-brand cetaphil - and moisturuzed. Moisturizer can be tricky because it’s not one-type-fits-all. There are different moisturizers for different skin types (sensitive, dry, oily, combination) and the wrong one might cause breakouts or irritation. I personally love Oil of Olay daily with SPF 15. My face hardly needs makeup bc I take super good care of it (ok, HRT helps but it’s not everything).
I’m going through a rough patch atm with electrolysis, it creates little sores and makes my skin break out. Just something to watch out for as you pursue hair removal.
Also don’t neglect your lips, they can also be exfoliated and moisturuzed. My lips with a little balm or aloe look as nice as lipstick.
You can totally learn how to girl at 30+ and if you want you can go through the emo and punk phase at 30+ too.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, however the second best time is today.
Like you said, you are going to feel ‘naked and exposed’ without your masc at first, but give it a little while and that feeling will go away. When I first wore a dress in public I felt that way too. I thought everyone would be staring at me and ostracizing me, but not a single person did that. I know it’s really scary at first, especially if you are all on your own, but just take baby steps and you’ll get there eventually!
I don’t know where you are, but in the US there are organizations like PFLAG that may be able to direct you to local resources. I am in a more progressive area of a red state and there are some local organizations that have all kinds of resources and even community partnerships with accepting local business and services.
Also don’t forget to check out genderdysphoria.fyi if you haven’t yet. The “Am I trans?” section helped me finally put a few more puzzle pieces in place.
Hiya. Yes you can have some girlhood and some cringe. People of all ages are awkward and clumsy and cringe and try different styles!
I’m 26 and yea this is pretty relatable. Silly belts lol.
