Yeah. It really builds on you. I go through this downward spiral where it’s like:
Poor ability to focus -> depression and frustration -> emotional pain leads to more inability to focus.
I basically end up Pavloving myself into avoiding the work. I get to a point where even looking at it just creates intense emotional pain. When I get to that point, I can’t even engage with it. When I’m at that point? You could take away every single distraction from me. Take my phone away. Give me a locked-down computer with no access to the net. Lock me alone in a room with absolutely nothing other than what is required to do the job. Even that would not be enough. When I’m that broken on a job, when it’s reached that level of pain? Put me in the perfect distraction-free environment, and I would just end up staring at the wall for hours disassociating.
While the ADHD distractability is always the immediate problem at a job, the emotional pain and avoidance is the real long-term killer. If it were just distractability, maybe I could reach some stable but modest level of performance. Maybe I could just accept that I would always be a fairly modest engineer, just be content with being fairly low on the totem pole. And if it were just distractability, I could do that. But the emotional side causes things to build. To the point where engaging with the work feels like PTSD.
It also doesn’t help that the emotional toll from one job carries over into the next. At the start of my career I could at least start a job fresh, with complete optimism that it’s going to work out. After burning out at seven industry jobs, that’s just not possible anymore. From day one I immediately start recognizing the patterns. From day one I can see things that will likely grow to kill the job. If I could reliably get 2-4 years out of a job before burnout, that would be manageable. I could make a viable but modest career that way.
But because of the carry-over of the emotional pain from job to job, the time to burnout has been declining over they years. Right out of college I could manage two years at a job. Now I can’t even make six months of reliably solid perfomance. And what’s worse, this has prevented me from ever moving beyond the introductory career level. I’ve had an active EIT status for 17 years at this point. I’ve cumulatively had more than enough years to qualify for a PE, and I’m sure I could study for and do well on the test. But that would be pointless. In order to apply for a PE, you have to provide positive recommendations documenting a certain number of years of successful work history in industry. And I essentially have zero positive industry references. I have glowing teaching references, but zero industry ones. At this point I can only really get hired at places that don’t ask for references or don’t check the ones you do provide. And in my field (civil/structural), the PE is a really big deal.
And yeah, I get the mention of the roof. When I start consistently having thoughts like that in relation to a job, that’s usually the point where I quit. (If I haven’t been fired already.) I reach a point where I start legitimately fearing for my personal safety. And that’s usually enough for me to get over my hopeless optimism and finally admit to myself that a job isn’t viable.
Yeah. It really builds on you. I go through this downward spiral where it’s like:
Poor ability to focus -> depression and frustration -> emotional pain leads to more inability to focus.
I basically end up Pavloving myself into avoiding the work. I get to a point where even looking at it just creates intense emotional pain. When I get to that point, I can’t even engage with it. When I’m at that point? You could take away every single distraction from me. Take my phone away. Give me a locked-down computer with no access to the net. Lock me alone in a room with absolutely nothing other than what is required to do the job. Even that would not be enough. When I’m that broken on a job, when it’s reached that level of pain? Put me in the perfect distraction-free environment, and I would just end up staring at the wall for hours disassociating.
While the ADHD distractability is always the immediate problem at a job, the emotional pain and avoidance is the real long-term killer. If it were just distractability, maybe I could reach some stable but modest level of performance. Maybe I could just accept that I would always be a fairly modest engineer, just be content with being fairly low on the totem pole. And if it were just distractability, I could do that. But the emotional side causes things to build. To the point where engaging with the work feels like PTSD.
It also doesn’t help that the emotional toll from one job carries over into the next. At the start of my career I could at least start a job fresh, with complete optimism that it’s going to work out. After burning out at seven industry jobs, that’s just not possible anymore. From day one I immediately start recognizing the patterns. From day one I can see things that will likely grow to kill the job. If I could reliably get 2-4 years out of a job before burnout, that would be manageable. I could make a viable but modest career that way.
But because of the carry-over of the emotional pain from job to job, the time to burnout has been declining over they years. Right out of college I could manage two years at a job. Now I can’t even make six months of reliably solid perfomance. And what’s worse, this has prevented me from ever moving beyond the introductory career level. I’ve had an active EIT status for 17 years at this point. I’ve cumulatively had more than enough years to qualify for a PE, and I’m sure I could study for and do well on the test. But that would be pointless. In order to apply for a PE, you have to provide positive recommendations documenting a certain number of years of successful work history in industry. And I essentially have zero positive industry references. I have glowing teaching references, but zero industry ones. At this point I can only really get hired at places that don’t ask for references or don’t check the ones you do provide. And in my field (civil/structural), the PE is a really big deal.
And yeah, I get the mention of the roof. When I start consistently having thoughts like that in relation to a job, that’s usually the point where I quit. (If I haven’t been fired already.) I reach a point where I start legitimately fearing for my personal safety. And that’s usually enough for me to get over my hopeless optimism and finally admit to myself that a job isn’t viable.