I am curious how old you are now to hold that perspective. I used to believe I deserved to be abused as well. I was an awfully misbehaved kid and my mom was constantly fighting me, like fist-fighting me, because I would fight back. At no point in my life was there a time where I was just getting beat without throwing punches back its just how my brain worked. I used to think because I was like that, that I deserved it because good kids don’t fight back, they take their beatings and suck it up.

Then when I hit about 30-ish it dawned on me that I was a fucking child, a literal adolecent that didn’t know the mistakes I made would end with me getting punched in the mouth. The only thing valuable I got out of those interactions was learning how to fight.

However, the anger management and probation programs I was in between 12-16 did actually provide value to my life and taught me how to not be a psychopath like my mother. Though admittedly, it took a while for all those classes and workshops to really sink in. I now have the tools I need to understand my own emotions and when I need to walk away from a situation that is upsetting me, and I now understand that my actions have consequences and I don’t get to take them back just because I feel bad after the fact. This took years for me to figure out, and it should have been something I knew from childhood. I was too concerned with feeling like I was a bad kid just for being born not knowing how to do everything perfectly the first time.