I agreed with this until I started doing lots of “go outside” stuff and realized there was a bit of nuance. Decided pretty quickly that I’d keep the dating separate from sports/activities because I really enjoy them and things get weird if you treat it like a dating pool.
Now I somehow have to work up the courage to talk to someone without a contrived activity bringing us together.
Now I somehow have to work up the courage to talk to someone without a contrived activity bringing us together.
If the activity feels contrived, it’s probably the wrong fit. Yes, there is a deep realm of nuance to the “go outside” trope but it is real, at least in this case it’s being spoken from a place of experience. (Try growing up for the first couple decades of your life in a literal cult compound with no phone, an hour from the nearest gas station.)
It feels really weird the first time you strike up a conversation with a stranger for “no reason” but you do get over it. In fact, people don’t view you the way you’re imagining, as long as you’re not pushy or trying to be some kind of douche to compensate for insecurity, you will just be seen as someone with character and friendliness.
Look, I will pass on one HUGE tip that will make you seem like “the guy” which is to learn to be hospitable. Care about if the people around you are comfortable, not like you want to get them to like you, not in a fussing overbearing way, but like, imagine how you feel alone around strangers, and make that experience better for them. Men, women, whatever. Everyone wants someone to reach out and ask them how they’re doing and what they’re up to.
For someone you might have romantic interests in, don’t over-invest and always give them an out. Say hi, offer a complement (fashion choices or hair are better choices than intrinsic qualities like eyes or features.) and then you say “Well, nice to see you, I’m going to go get a slice of pizza/a fresh drink, would you like anything?” Or whatever people are doing there for fun. Or say “Cool, I have to catch a call in a few minutes, but it was great talking.”
AND THEN YOU LEAVE. Just go, don’t have expectations but also don’t literally run away and avoid people. You’re just introducing yourself, and you may never see them again, but if you’re doing this consistently, this is what people associate you with. Sooner or later someone will say “I’ll be at the thing by the place after this, I hear they serve good [STUFF] want to come try it?”
That one simple trick will take you further than any dating coaches or tricks. It’s just called being hospitable, giving people space but being present. Plant a seed, nurture it over time. You form friend groups like this, you become popular at parties and work functions, you make potential partners feel at ease as long as you’re consistent and keep a take-it-or-leave-it attitude.
The hospitable thing is true, kind of happens automatically if you’re new to activities. You’re often pretty bad so being nice is a good way to offer something back to the group while you’re learning.
There’s a language barrier where I live that makes relaxed chit-chat with strangers extremely difficult. At the moment I’m just not thinking about it, always seems like things work out if you’re in an environment where you’re meeting lots of people each week.
I agreed with this until I started doing lots of “go outside” stuff and realized there was a bit of nuance. Decided pretty quickly that I’d keep the dating separate from sports/activities because I really enjoy them and things get weird if you treat it like a dating pool. Now I somehow have to work up the courage to talk to someone without a contrived activity bringing us together.
If the activity feels contrived, it’s probably the wrong fit. Yes, there is a deep realm of nuance to the “go outside” trope but it is real, at least in this case it’s being spoken from a place of experience. (Try growing up for the first couple decades of your life in a literal cult compound with no phone, an hour from the nearest gas station.)
It feels really weird the first time you strike up a conversation with a stranger for “no reason” but you do get over it. In fact, people don’t view you the way you’re imagining, as long as you’re not pushy or trying to be some kind of douche to compensate for insecurity, you will just be seen as someone with character and friendliness.
Look, I will pass on one HUGE tip that will make you seem like “the guy” which is to learn to be hospitable. Care about if the people around you are comfortable, not like you want to get them to like you, not in a fussing overbearing way, but like, imagine how you feel alone around strangers, and make that experience better for them. Men, women, whatever. Everyone wants someone to reach out and ask them how they’re doing and what they’re up to.
For someone you might have romantic interests in, don’t over-invest and always give them an out. Say hi, offer a complement (fashion choices or hair are better choices than intrinsic qualities like eyes or features.) and then you say “Well, nice to see you, I’m going to go get a slice of pizza/a fresh drink, would you like anything?” Or whatever people are doing there for fun. Or say “Cool, I have to catch a call in a few minutes, but it was great talking.”
AND THEN YOU LEAVE. Just go, don’t have expectations but also don’t literally run away and avoid people. You’re just introducing yourself, and you may never see them again, but if you’re doing this consistently, this is what people associate you with. Sooner or later someone will say “I’ll be at the thing by the place after this, I hear they serve good [STUFF] want to come try it?”
That one simple trick will take you further than any dating coaches or tricks. It’s just called being hospitable, giving people space but being present. Plant a seed, nurture it over time. You form friend groups like this, you become popular at parties and work functions, you make potential partners feel at ease as long as you’re consistent and keep a take-it-or-leave-it attitude.
The hospitable thing is true, kind of happens automatically if you’re new to activities. You’re often pretty bad so being nice is a good way to offer something back to the group while you’re learning. There’s a language barrier where I live that makes relaxed chit-chat with strangers extremely difficult. At the moment I’m just not thinking about it, always seems like things work out if you’re in an environment where you’re meeting lots of people each week.