I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.

I’m not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.

The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I’m not sure he’ll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.

I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don’t feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.

I think I need a therapist to process this. I don’t understand my emotions at ALL yet.

  • arcineOPEnglish
    1·
    3 days ago

    Thank you for your support !

    I’m not done thinking about what this all means, but so far I am pretty certain it wasn’t a wave of doubt as much as a wave of fear.

    I have booked an appointment with a therapist to discuss it (and I plan on seeing them regularly after this). I’m generally quite scared of surgery, and I have a big panic attack problem especially recently…

    I also need to make sure I can be accompanied as far as possible into the process by a trusted person. Being left entirely alone for upwards of 30 minutes in successive rooms beforehand really did not help me keep my anxiety in control 😅