Man…

Ok, so I was 12 years old and had only just moved from England to Australia. First few days of high school I noticed this girl. Normal looking girl - beautiful eyes, but one of those beautiful people that tends to be quiet and go by unnoticed… But I noticed her.

I was always very outgoing and loud, and she was more quiet and reserved. I loved to do card tricks. I also became incredibly shy when I wanted to talk to her, so I devised a plan

I laid some playing cards on the corner of my desk and waited for her to walk past. When she did, I knocked them off and we started a conversation…

Eventually I did a card trick and knew she’d picked the 3 of Diamonds. That card has held significance for us this whole time…

Through high school we both had feelings for eachother - me, being confident, silly and outgoing declaring my love for her to everyone and asking her out on a few occasions, never looking at the other girls who wanted to spend more time with the English boy who now lives in Australia. I only had eyes for her. I just knew she was the one.

But for 4 and a half years of high school it never happened. She was too shy to say yes, and I was too shy to ask properly. Sure, I’d slipped her notes and I’d asked on a few occasions, but it never happened. She did say yes once and we “dated” for 2 weeks but nothing happened, not a kiss, nothing. We were both young and inexperienced in relationships and after 2 weeks she said “you’re dumped”… It hurt.

But for that whole high school time everyone in school knew we wanted eachother.

Then came secondary school (High school in Aus is year 7-10 when you’re like, 12-16ish in age, secondary is Year 11 and 12 when you’re about 16-18ish)

In secondary school I met my then best friend… He was a great bloke and we got along like a house on fire. A couple of months into Year 11 he asked if he could ask the girl I loved out… I told him “Why not, she doesn’t want me anyway” so he did.

They got together and we stayed friends. I was heartbroken but I wanted the best for her and he seemed like a good bloke, and I didn’t want to ruin what they had by being upset or jealous, and I didn’t want to lose my friendship with either of them, so I kept my feelings hidden and eventually went on to date other girls. By this time she and I were about 16…

The following few years we all hung out with our friends group and they stayed together… I was the best man at their wedding and one of the first to meet their newborn son when he arrived…

But then slowly we drifted… Id message him and get no replies, or short and careless ones. I’d long since stopped messaging her as usually messaging him was realistically intended for the both of them anyway…

And so 4 years went by without any contact from either of them…

Then I had a son. I wasn’t in a good place or a good relationship at the time. Don’t get me wrong, my then partner was fine. She is a good person but we just didn’t fit and I feel I was with her out of lonliness more than love.

Anyhow, I got a message from the girl I loved through high school congratulating me on my son. I replied and asked how she was, told her I missed them and proposed a catch up with us all. I got no reply.

Another year passed and I left my then partner. 4 months-ish later, my high school crush had her then husband removed from the house for domestic violence. I found out through a chance encounter with her sister.

We made arrangements for me to go visit, and so I did.

I stepped into her house where her family was helping tidy the place and saw her down the long hall at a distance and so many of those feelings came flooding back.

I walked up and gave her the biggest hug. It felt like I held her forever… Then I got to work on helping tidy the house… Then I met her daughter for the first time. At this point she’d had 2 kids with her then husband. One was 3, the other, 5.

Through the next couple of weeks I spent a lot of time catching up with her and trying to offer my help where I could. I learned a lot more about my old “friend” and just how controlling, coercive, manipulative and abusive he was for the 17 years they were together. 17 long years that feel as if they were robbed from “us”… But we were so young…

At one point we kissed. And that was it. Finally, after knowing her for 21-22 years and loving her for so long, we finally kissed.

It just was right. There was so much going on, court dates to maintain an intervention order against her ex husband, him lying about anything and everything. His manipulation of the court system and even his own children continues to this day… But finally we had eachother and we weren’t about to let go.

I’d had a vasectomy after my son was born… But after a year of being with her I got it reversed. We now have a beautiful daughter together. We got married, too. Life together is what we should have always had. We both feel it.

Its tremendously difficult being the stepdad of 2 kids that are being conditioned and coerced into hating you 5 nights a fortnight, but they’re good kids. I’m trying my best for them

I feel I have a lot to unpack and work through but with 4 kids and working in disability support its next to impossible to afford any kind of therapy, let alone the free time to attend…

But I love her. So much. And she loves me. I have a tattoo on my side - a silhouette of the 2 of us on our wedding day, surrounded by the clubs, diamonds, hearts and spades suits to symbolise how we met. There are 3 diamonds.

Through the abuse she endured theres a lot for us both to work through but again, we’re so lucky to finally have eachother. We’re 35 now and spent half our lives apart, despite at one point wanting to be with eachother for 1/3 of our lives to that point… We’re not letting eachother go now. I couldn’t imagine life without her. She is everything to me. I just feel so sorry for our past selves. They deserved so much better.

I have to keep reminding myself that had we gotten together back then it might not have worked out how it has. We may have grown apart, or not had anything to compare to in order to see how good we really have it…

I love her. Always.

I’ve never written that all down before. There’s plenty more to it, but I felt compelled to really delve into it that time. Thank you so much for asking the question.