Title mostly.
I’m doing fine right now, had an argument with my brother but overall I got my path forward ironed out, but I can’t shake the feeling that all of what I do is just some pathological need to stumble forward into what I’m supposed to do but rather than actually being a meaningful calling or direction.
Maybe I’m just depressed.
You’re not alone. We’re told our whole lives that we’re supposed to follow our dreams and contribute to society in some unique way, but the reality is that you are just a proletarian and you will probably just have a shit job, a completely pointless one if you’re lucky, you just end up doing, and you may bounce around a bit before you land in it. A few hundred years ago, you would probably be a serf and you wouldn’t have any weird ideas about contributing to society or your inner motivation to do something, just fucking planting and harvesting all the time. Same thing, a shit job you end up doing. If I have kids, I think I will probably not tell them any bullshit about having a “dream” because I doubt it will be possible to reconcile it with the world in any way. Finding creative hobbies and fun, pride in doing a good job and helping people, maybe duty and financial skills.