So about 2 years ago, I moved away. Broken spirit broken person, over 3000 miles. However, yesterday I landed for my first visit back here. And I just feel weird. Like I’m not supposed to be here or something, it’s very ominous. I constantly feel anxious.
The weirdest thing was seeing how my parents have started to age. And the woods where I used to hang out are all housing developments now. I’m currently sleeping on a mattress in my old room, aka the office now, surrounded by random shelving and printers and stuff. it’s really a weird feeling in here too.
I don’t know what I expected but I definitely don’t feel like I’m “home”. It’s like some weird alternate dimension version of home. There’s still some people I’m yet to see and I wonder how that’s gonna go. So far everything already feels uncomfortably different. Alongside that, the rose tint has also come off and I have a lot of bad memories going through my head too instead of any sort of nostalgia. Almost like the different person I was back then is still lurking here somewhere watching me.
Anyone familiar with such a feeling, after being away for so long?
I grew up poor in the south. I built a pretty okay career, primarily in D.C. Over the last few years, my visits home have had a similar feeling.
For me, it’s not just seeing everyone age, but seeing how they’ve chosen to “settle” in many ways. There’s a realization that many family members have developed as much as they ever will. When I was young, it was possible to imagine myself as a “temporarily embarrassed millionaire.” One day, I’d be able to come back and just fix it all for everyone, if I were successful enough. Now I increasingly see the absurdity of that thinking. It’s a struggle. It’s likely to continue to be a struggle. Many have already gone–so much for helping them have things a little easier. It’s utterly unfair. And you’re more painfully aware of those realities through adult eyes.
Beyond that, a childhood home is a complex thing. I have many positive memories of the place, but I have many really dark memories that also hang over the same place. Those are things I didn’t wrestle with until I got older, which partially accounts for the change in feeling.
The bright side for me is that, despite all of this, I have started to see a more full picture of where I grew up. For years, I could only see the bad, but having dealt with that a little better by now, I can begin to appreciate its charms. It has started to lend a mystique to a place I thought could never rise above humdrum, at best.
Also from the south here, living in California these days. And the part about everyone settling is so accurate. As for seeing the positives, I will say that this place went from being a not well known and somewhat poor community to being in the top 10 fastest growing cities after covid. So it’s at least nice to see the care given to it from the state improving. And the childhood home memories are definitely something I hadn’t thought of either until now. The fact that my memories here are both good AND bad. Thanks for the response, really made me think with this one!