hi, so i had this one friend “allison" in middle school from 6th grade, when she came here, to 8th. i’m kinda wondering whether i should, well, befriend her, or take the hint. i’m autistic so i often can’t take hints even if i am a good communicator and an extrovert.

allison and i go way back, being friends ever since middle school orientation day when we started chatting and she only trusted me when we were seated together in science class. she was a little blunt and easily annoyed, though, so i started not to like her and even got jealous of her because she was bi at the time and started dating my at the time crush “lia”.

well, after my crush on lia officially faded towards the end of seventh grade, i started developing feelings for ALLISON in eighth grade when several nights i had dreams about her and ended up unable to think of anyone else but her, get super giddy when i did see her, and had fantasies of being a hero that would protect her from bullies at school back when she was only with the semi-popular kids and got bullied for being an anime fan.

our friendship grew more and more apart when she started calling me a creepy stalker and running away when i’d say hi to her, scream at me some days and be super kind and helpful the next, and sometimes she’d even say we should get married and i could be her husband, but other days she’d reject anything i did, said, or gave to her. she eventually stopped hanging out with me along with the other girls in our group due to them finding out i was autistic, cementing their dislike they already had for me. i knew they disliked me, i didn’t know why, but they were the only people i had as friends that would “let me” hang out with them.

on the last day of eighth grade, she smiled at me and asked how my year was and we sorta made up, but she’s shy and kind of a dry texter and now she’s one of the popular-ish girls, best friends with my biggest eighth grade bully (another popular girl who happens to be homophobic while allison was super in denial about being bi and saying it never happened and also having internalized homophobia), and i asked her if she had snapchat so we could talk more and she said she doesn’t use it. she doesn’t text first nor does she add anything to the conversation so idk if she’s just being polite or what, she will be super dry like mentioned. i don’t even like her anymore like that, by the way.

like, i might be like “hi! how’s school?” bc idk how to start a conversation, and she might say “it’s ok/it’s fine” and not even add anything like “how’s it for you?” so either she’s bad at keeping a convo or she doesn’t like me, and i can’t tell how to start the convo or what to do at all. HELP??

  • erotador@lemmy.blahaj.zoneMEnglish
    12·
    23 days ago

    she does not respect you and that’s a bad sign for if you two were ever to get together. she has already demonstrated she will treat you bad outside of a relationship, how could it get any better if your in one?

  • Wendy (she/her)@piefed.socialEnglish
    71·
    23 days ago

    That is a technique known as “love bombing”, or perhaps the “idealization-devaluation cycle” or something similar, where one minute they idolize you and think you’re perfect, showering you with love and stuff, but then bully you and treat you as a punching bag later on.

  • dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    4·
    23 days ago

    so your friend who gave you extreme but mixed signals in both directions ended up friends with your homophobic bully and is now denying she is bi, while also growing more distant and less communicative with you?

    I mean, I don’t think I could possibly give you advice, but I guess what I can’t tell from you is what is really the question here - you said you don’t even like her anymore, and she’s sorta brushing you off in conversation - if she’s really brushing you off, then that’s not really your fault or because you are starting the conversation the wrong way.

    Are you wanting to re-kindle a friendship there? Have you considered talking to her about how you feel and what you are noticing, that you felt you were friends but it feels like things are more distant now and you’re wondering if she still wants to be friends?

    • clare (she/her)@lemmy.cafeOPEnglish
      1·
      23 days ago

      i want to rekindle a friendship, yes, i have tried talking to her and telling her i wanna connect more, but she always says she is busy. on one hand, that makes me think she doesn’t like me, but on the other, she was always really busy with sports and stuff and she is a hockey player who only really has time to hang out in school. and we go to separate high schools.

      • dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone
        6·
        23 days ago

        I’m not sure there is more you can do than what you have done - ultimately you can’t make someone else stay friends with you; if anything I would take some comfort knowing that if she still took interest in you it could go worse places (like heart-break, or being used as a punching bag for the amusement of her new popular friends, etc.).

        It is probably best to make friends with people who aren’t in denial about their sexuality, who don’t become best friends with bigots, and who don’t treat you unfairly as a friend by alternating between pushing you away when they don’t want to deal with you and then bombing you with affection when they want to be around you.

        There are plenty of red flags there, maybe it’s actually good for you that she is drifting away from you?