After my last break up I can’t seem to get out from this depression relapse…
I reduced media use drastically, like almost to zero, I am swimming 3-4 times a week, doing yoga 1-2 times a week, going to work every morning with my bike, doing only cold showers, being in the sun, being in nature, playing my guitar, being around people as much as I can, being around my little dog and my cats, eating super super healthy, not doing any drug, not drinking, not smoking, reading self help books…
I’m doing everything, everything that can possibly be done without meds probably, but my mind feels so down and so “lazy”, last night I was sleeping on the ground because I had scabies and got cured, I had my bed changed and didn’t want to sleep in my bed without having a shower first, but it felt too hard to have a shower…
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks because it feels so hard to change myself and to wash them.
Even tho I’m really putting effort into all this stuff, I feel like I have zero energy and my mood is like 90% of the times terrible, and 8% of the times acceptable and 2% kinda OK(?)
I’m used to most of the stuff I said in the beginning, it’s just what I do in my life is most of the time, except I would increase media consumption from times to times. How the hell can I be depressed?
I feel like this time I’m doing everything right, and in fact at least I don’t feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past… But you know, it feels like great effort isn’t really paying back…
I feel like I’m pushing and pushing and pushing but I don’t get anything back, if I miss the pool one time, it’s just a mood drop…
I feel super weak, I also have some bad “blood sugar drops”, or at least that’s what my family says, and I’m also considering I might be having some deficiency or nutrition related issue at this point.
My therapist is insisting like a lot to put me on antidepressants, but they made me feel terrible in the past. Microdosing is the only thing that worked decently but I got tinnitus from it (which now is gone), but my therapist doesn’t even want to consider it, and I felt actually good last summer and at the beginning of my relationship without any drug at all, which made me think I finally won, but I didn’t.
No substance come without a price to pay and I don’t want to feel so bad again with antidepressants.
What to do?
“eating super super healthy … zero energy, [possible hypoglaecemic attacks]”
Can’t help wondering if these are related. You are allowed to eat some not super super healthy stuff, in moderation everything is fine, just don’t pig out on it. Poor nutrition can have adverse mental health effects.
You can check your blood sugar with those finger prick things diabetics use. Hypos (and hypers) can make you feel terrible and it’s useful to know if that’s the cause.
I think one of the problems is actually I’m lacking sugars and I frequently go in hypo, I do plenty of sports and don’t eat anything sweet except for some fruits.
Yesterday I measured glicemy AFTER having had a snack like an hour before and it was 76, which is fine but on an empty stomach, it’s supposed to be >100 after eating…
I will try again when I feel those strong symptoms like some evenings ago when I couldn’t even think clearly and I was feeling like I was almost passing out.
For now it looks like when I’m really really down, I eat something sugary like juice fruit and I feel immediately better.
I think this is definitely playing a role, but got to investigate further and correlate with measurements.
I was going to say a mood stabilizer vs an antidepressant. I was where you were five years ago and in 48 hours it was life changing.
Can you tell me more about your story?
Thank you
I got to the point where I just couldn’t stop crying! For days. I wanted life to end, not kill my self, but maybe sleep for twenty years? I had been treated for anxiety for decades, adhd too…. I called the back of my insurance card for the mental health, told them what was going on and had no clue what options I had. They said go to the hospital. So I did. I was there a week, they started me on Geodon. Absolute game changer. I felt like 10 years were taken off me. Competent and capable of being a productive member of society again.
Do I have my bad days? Yes I still do. I had one the other day. In the US it is quite depressing now especially as a woman watching our rights get taken away. But I focus on what I can control. Wow my therapist would be proud of what I just spewed. :)
I don’t have the answer for you, sorry. But I was glad to read
"at least I don’t feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past… "
It seems like the pool makes you feel better. So try to make sure you get to treat yourself to things you like.
I’ve heard a lot of people don’t care for antidpressants.
I’ve also heard people say “keep a list of things that make you happy/that you are grateful for” and review it often. But no matter what, I hope things turn around for you and that you feel better.
I’m not your therapist and it does sound like you’re doing all the “right” things but from what I read here it seems more like you’re not doing the right things for you. Do you find joy in swimming? In yoga? If not, try a different exercise? Don’t hold back on foods you enjoy just because they’re not “healthy” (in moderation of course). But it sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do the “right” stuff and just that can burn you out on its own.
I’m definitely not saying give up and go live an unhealthy lifestyle, just maybe don’t punish yourself so much for when you don’t get it “right”. This is me probably reflecting some of my own habits on you, but I know that trying really hard to focus and get everything right is what makes me miserable, so I’m just trying to find a good balance.
