CW Major Trigger
spoiler
recently I feel closer and closer to just ending it, I have essentially became aware that all of my friends put me in the outer circle of our friend group, and actively view me as a child. I am autistic but also I feel like my friends view me as disgusting with no real solution of what to do with me, I live with them and the only option I realistically have other than this is to move in with my mom who tends to emotionally depend on me.
I know that I am always the friend but never the best friend, I have no inner circle where I feel like I can talk about my thoughts and how dark things have gotten recently. I feel like if I told my friends it would likely result in me being hospitalized and than having my stuff moved out and kinda told “no one ever liked you and we have felt that way for a really long time”. I don’t blame them I know I am annoying and socially awkward, I know my depression has lead me to neglect things in my life. Keep in mind this is not me being autistic, many of our friends are ND as well, this is me specifically. Part of the reason I have not tried yet was that I am afraid it will be viewed as emotionally manipulated, the truth of this world is that no one wants to see the social behind and awkward 23 year transfem blow her brains out, but people can think your weird thats their right.
Me being trans is always a side fact, HRT has not done me good, people tell me I look like a women to be nice but in reality I look disgusting, I look like some cringe fetish account you will find on Reddit that everyone equally agrees is disgusting.
People I do talk to on discord from time to time will say I am just overthinking it, since no one has outright said they hate me, or think that. but the truth is i have heard them say “I don’t want her to hear xyz” or say thing about me right outside of ear shot.
What’s kept me alive other than worrying it will come off as emotionally manipulative to my “friends” is the fact my mom has repeatedly told me over and over she will off herself if I do, it’s like a known thing that i cannot avoid. it’s guilt I have to carry, I do hate the fact this is true and i carry a ton of guilt and i usually ball my eyes out when I am confronted with this morality problem, but I remember the first time I attempted I overcame this and just accepted that it is what it is. I also do fear death, i don’t know what comes after but in that moment I consider that maybe whatever it is I deserve that. I don’t deserve to walk this earth anymore. I sometimes watch the sucide ending to cyberpunk, not cause i actually think anyone would care about me like that but I am reminded that no one really cares about me like that.
There was a time when I had dreams and goals in life, I wanted to work in tech, I wanted to get bachelors degree I wanted to have friends, but the truth is I never realized how gross I was until now, I never realized my transition would be a failure, I never realized just how much i got on peoples nerves
I often want to just run away and restart I try to distract myself from reality imaging maybe an internship or anything else to get my life back on track. than maybe buy a car but I know that not really possible anymore
NOTICE TO LEMMY MODERATORS
Hi, I understand your concerns and want to help out, I know in this rare instance you likely think giving my IP to the pigs is a moral good, and that I will get the help I need, the main mental hospital I would go to is currently facing sexual abuse allegations, my roommates would likely kick me out during my stay at the mental hospital assuming that I am not a danger to myself and that it would be much safer to do it at this time. I am currently 9k in debt if you combine credit card, and existing medical debt, with zero income. you doing this would likely add additional financial strain to my already difficult to justify existence. If you do this I would likely be even closer than I already am. and I would likely not vent online next time.
Just because you live with them doesn’t mean they have to be your life. Where you pay rent can be simply where you sleep and bath. Where you live can be everywhere outside of there. Reach out to identify a new groups of people outside those around you now. Find a group activity completely separate from your current group. It could anything, a drawing class, bird watching, martial arts, pickleball, book club, anything that you find interesting, and you automatically know you have a shared interest with everyone else because you all chose to be there doing that thing.
Self improvement comes in many forms, and it doesn’t happen without your effort. It also doesn’t happen overnight. Its small steps of incremental effort day after day. You mention getting a bachelors degree. If you feel you have a desire for it, do it! Figure out what it would take, make a plan, and start working the plan.
Please don’t end it! The world is so much bigger than the handful of people around you right now! You’re dealing with some pretty strong feelings right now, and there’s nothing in life that guides you on this that any of us are born with. Professional help can help! There are therapists that you can talk to. If you need it to be private, you can even have it so they don’t know your name. You pay cash and there’s never a record of your real name in any files. You can get help addressing some of these big questions you’re staring at. I promise you, it can help.
There are people out there that will love you for you, and give you motivation to be the best version of yourself. Don’t take that chance away from yourself, and your future close friends!