Ok but hear me out.
We acquired 20 new logos this month!
“Net new logos” was an actual term used in the company I previously worked for.
I worked with a government IT department that focused on renaming itself at least 7 times.in 2 years, with new mission, vision, logo, etc. each name was something like “end users experience department” or some shit liek that.
The difference between people who just talk and the people who do.
Check out Wierd Al’s Mission Statement for a primer
George Carlin also has a bit of just corporate jargon stapled together to make a short little speech.
Sweet
Since this is giving me Don Beveridge vibes (R.I.P), I remember when RedLetterMedia’s Best of the Worst Black Spine edition had his customization seminar on their first episode.
They were laughing and thinking he was some kind of lunatic conman for all of the supposedly nonsense things he was spouting about pushing whopper buttons and deficiencies of PK and a bunch of other stuff, and I’m just sitting back thinking “nope…I understand every word he’s saying.” Because not only do I have to live currently in an environment where my upper managers emails are filled with such nonsense, but my first job was AT Burger King when I was 16 in 1992 and guess what…
THEY HAD A LITERAL WHOPPER BUTTON!
It was used by management to tell the staff when to keep more burgers in the warming tray and when to lower the supply based on customer traffic. They implemented it because…“75% of the time the Whopper was being served cold”
“Push the Whopper Button” is shorthand for being efficient with when and where you’re spending your resources so that your not wasting them where you don’t have to and not having them available when you do.
I confess that I’m 25 years into my career field and I still don’t “get” “OKR” and “PKI”.
I know what the acronyms mean and have looked at definitions dozens of times. But, when I see them in practice, I figure that there’s something I’m still missing—some arcane knowledge only revealed to project managers and executives—because they’re always somehow nonsensical to the business, like someone filled in a Mad Lib.
OKay, Right?
Means having a chill attitude, especially when you screw up badly right in front of your supervisor.
Public Key Infrastructure
Means your offices are locked not by company private keys but by public statutes of the state, and a court order will make them unlock.
(Or, less-commonly used)
PacK it In
Give up. Go home.
“challenges and opportunities”
“go-dos”
“non-negotiable”
Honorable mentions: “source of truth” and “sanity check”.
You forgot “Digital Transformation”
“Deficiency of PK”
HIT THE WHOPPER BUTTON!
“Actionable insights” is the opposite of these corpo buzzwords.
It’s a phrase I use to shut down clients when they ask for something that doesn’t have value. Also know as interesting but not actionable. I prioritize my time on finding actionable insights. Data that can drive decisions.
Weaponized language
I’m a particular fan of “power networking”
Get into the damn think tank!
Customer success management
Where’s unlock?
